Marriage, promises and the shades of grey in between…

I now pronounce thee husband and wife – so now what?

As a therapist I have loads of people who come to see me who say very similar sentiments:

• I don’t think I am in love with my partner anymore
• I don’t feel the sparks anymore
• I find myself looking at other people
• They changed. They are not the same person I met when I met them
• We have nothing in common anymore
• Am I ever going to get ‘that’ feeling again

Relationship problems are normal. Relationship cross roads are normal. But what I find a little abnormal is that relationship 101 is not taught in schools, there is no regular review or performance management system of how your relationship is going and rarely do people just put their hand up and say “I think we need some help with this”.

I have always found it quite interesting that we need so many licences, certificates, renewals and competency texts throughout our lives, yet we don’t need a license to be a parent and we don’t have regular reviews or reflections on how our own relationships are going.

Granted I will concede that my career as a therapist has given me an unfair advantage and I see things differently to other people. I have read copious books, articles, gone to seminars and workshops etc. But by far the most I have learnt about relationships and people has been in ‘the chair’. I have learnt so much from listening to people’s stories and hearing from their heart how vulnerable and hurt they are. Whilst no two couples have ever been the same, I have seen common themes emerge.

Does school prepare you for marriage or relationship ever after? Nope

Do your parents or childhood experience give you tools to be a good partner? Maybe some…

Have you ‘performance managed’ yourself and relationship since you said “I do”? Probably not

At work you often have an employer that gives to feedback, positive, negative, constructive criticism or just tells you outright to improve or stop doing this or that. As adults we learn from it and move forward. We make adjustments where we can and hope to god we don’t get called back into the boss’ office again for the same shite!   And as kids, our parents or schools are there to guide us around growth, development and behaviour. They give feedback on tests and report cards and we are meant to use this guidance to make improvements. So what the hell happens when your relationship needs improvement? Who gives the constructive feedback or provides ways to communicate some kind of reflection to challenge, change and look at behaviour?

I am not plugging my own here, I am suggesting strongly that you aren’t meant to figure relationship stuff out on your own. Relationships change and people change, but with love and connection it isn’t a matter of black or white – I am either in love or not in love. You need a chance to reflect on yourself, reflect of your partner and at least try to find that spark that made you want to say “I do”. Whether it Is therapy (I still find the gents are the most resistant to seeking support and help) or workshops or groups or reading a book or making one phone call, all I am saying is that it is normal to need a little help sometimes.

Be brave enough to take the leap and take a chance on improving your relationship……………………. It is the biggest investment you ever will make.