According to Jen……….

After 20 years in a relationship I have learnt a lot from my hubby. I have conducted many social experiments along that way and have tested theories first hand. It has been an interesting journey to say the least.

His version:

“I want sex, I need sex and if I could have it all the time I would”.  And his very famous quote (he is pretty witty my man) is “oh that’s right, we can’t have it today cause the suns and moons and the planets aren’t aligned today”.  Whilst his little saying always makes me chuckle, he really doesn’t get women and what we need, what we want, the complexities of how we think and how it changes every day!

Without a shadow of a doubt, his love language is “physical touch” and he NEEDS sex like it is oxygen! Conducting yet another one of my ‘social experiments’ on my hubby I asked him out of the blue a few weeks ago, “How often do you think of sex?” Without a second of hesitation he says, “about 30-40 times”. So, I said, “oh you mean 30- 40 times a week?” and he says, “shit no, 30-40 times a day”. I nearly fell off my chair. He asked me the same question and I said, “2-3 times a day”.  Of course, this information intrigued me and I kept on asking questions. And in my usual fashion I rung around some trustworthy friends and asked them the same question and they asked their partners. And just to ensure my cohort of experiments was accurate (in the world according to jen…), I started asking my clients.  And it seems my husband’s way of thinking isn’t far from the reality of other men either.

My version:

There is a difference between sex and intimacy and depending on my mood and needs, I want both. A lot of the time sex for women is about connection. In that moment it is about two people connecting and sharing the most private awesome moment. However, women often need to feel emotionally connected to want more sex. Our ‘emotional cup’ needs to be full before we want and need to be intimate. So, for example if my hubby folds the clothes, cook’s dinner and helps with the kids, then I see him in a different light and I almost find it sexy (weird but true).

And then there is the dreaded level of how I feel about my body and not wanting to bare all when I having a “fat day”. Despite munching on lettuce and broccoli all week, my brain suddenly remembers the sliver of cheesecake I had and I can envisage that piece sitting on my arse. No sex for you tonight honey………..  And despite his pleas of telling me how wonderful I am and how much he thinks I am awesome, ‘the suns and moons and planets are not aligned’.

And then sometimes there are times when I just can’t and I don’t feel like it. Despite it being amazing, I have nothing left at the end of day and can’t be arsed to do one more thing before my head hits the pillow. It is not that it is a chore, it is just that when you have children you feel pulled in every direction to cater for their needs and there are also times when it feels like a covert mission to sneak in a nookie and not look like you have run a marathon or reconfigured your clothes all of a sudden – teenagers are smarter than you think and of course they know everything. And sometimes as a working mother I just want to head to the bedroom where it is okay for it to be my turn to be selfish and not be available to anyone.

FACTS (According to Jen)

• Sex can and should feel amazing. It releases feel good hormones into your brain and body. So you look younger and feel fantastic. Winning!
• Sex and intimacy is a huge part of any relationship. If you can balance both you are doing well.
• Men and women have different needs. It can’t always be about him and it can’t always be about you. Be prepared to be flexible. Compromise is key here.
• The more sex you have the more you will want (proven in studies).
• Relationships go through stages. Sometimes you want more and sometimes you can survive on less.
• In general men do not focus on their partners flaws or fat bits. More than anything, men love it when women act and feel sexy ( I didn’t make that up, proven in studies and literature).
• Be prepared to try new things (not new people… new THINGS). Talking about sex can be fun.
• Sex keeps couples connected.
• Talk about your wants, needs and desires.
• Life changes affect everyone’s libido – pregnancy, new baby, children, new job, moving, stress, pressure etc. Remember they are stages and can be worked through.

So as I was writing this blog my husband sits down and reads what I wrote. He says, “You are siding with women. How are you going to help men who want it more?”  Remember it is not up to me to fix anything or change anything about you or relationship. My style is about helping you to think differently. We all get caught up in our own thoughts and wants, and struggle with the mindful journey of self-reflection.  Sometimes a little change could mean the world of difference in your sex life.

 

Affirmation : A person just gets sexier and sexier when you are attracted to their soul.