Don’t talk to your children about big stuff after 6pm!

According to jen……………

Before you think I have lost my marbles, just hear me out…

On a very practical level it is wonderful that we are all working hard as parents/ carers to talk to our children about feelings, labelling feelings, expressing emotions and keeping open lines of communication. All sounds very positive, research based and well on the way to stronger connection…. However, there is one itty bitty variable that I think parents should consider – Please don’t talk to your children about big stuff after 6pm!!!

Being a working mum with two children, most of my early mum life was spent in a daze of business with constant thought processes involving guilt and not being good enough. As my days were long, the children seemed to have this uncanny knack to start talking about their feelings, their day or something that was bothering them right before bed time!!!! My thoughts often resorted to ‘Are you serious right now, we are going to talk about this NOW?!!!’ or ‘Why did you not bring this up three hours ago when I had time and am not going to collapse with exhaustion?’ But in my true therapy style, I would respond with something motherly and remind myself that I needed to be present, available and grateful that they wanted to talk to me.

These ‘just before bed’ conversations never seemed to end well and everyone seemed to be more emotionally charged. They usually ended in one of the children crying and me abruptly ending the conversation the more it dragged on and then walking away feeling that I still didn’t do a good enough job in holding their feelings or allowing them to share their day.  After many years of this cycle one day I decided that I would actually openly apologise for my behaviour and be open with the kids about how I would try to be more patient, available and understanding about their feelings or issues when they wanted to talk to me. So, I said, “Can we just talk a little more about how you were feeling last night about your friend at school? How are feeling today?” To my surprise I was met, “Oh that was last night… I feel fine about going to school and I am just going to walk away if there is any more drama”. And with that, the conversation was over……

That same afternoon, I decided I was going to experiment with talking to the children earlier in the day or in the morning and keep night time bed routine about sleeping, rather than talking. So, I did just that. I talked to kids about my observations in their own behaviours and I explained that I had seen that they were more emotional about life, friends, school, feelings and just in general after 6pm and as a result we were not going to talk about anything ‘big’ after 6pm. I explained that I would be more than available and happy to listen in the morning or straight after school, but anything after 6pm had to wait to the next day. Mr Seven at the time said, “Oh so you are only a part time parent and I can only talk to you at certain times” (yes, he is smart and quick). I said, “No I am always available and always willing to listen. But when we talk about issues, problems or big feelings at night time, everyone has a harder time settling and handling their feelings”. We came up with a ‘Feelings Box’ instead and this meant if anyone remembered something they wanted to talk about or felt that there was something on their mind at night, then we would write in down and put in the box for discussion the next day.

Example:

Child- “I really miss my dog. Why did he have to go?”

Parent- “Oh I can hear that you really miss our dog. It is okay to miss him. I would really love to talk to you more about this tomorrow. Let’s write this down and talk about it in the morning or tomorrow afternoon. Thank you for sharing how you feel. I am definitely going to help to talk with you about this.”

And so 10 years on, I still sit with the same philosophy and share this parenting hack with my clients. I have worked with thousands of families and I share this explanation with anyone that has children under 18 years. The feedback has been overwhelming positive and I have seen calmer households, more connected children and more responsive families just by being mindful of this little tip. Most households are tired at night and when it is time for bed at least one party is tired. When we are tired we all respond differently, are usually more emotional and have less patience. This same little tip applies for parents wanting to talk to their children – perhaps consider whether night time or near bed time is the best option for you to have conversations about big stuff with your children?

As I was writing this blog, Miss Twelve comes in and says “Oh yeah mum, this was one of your better ideas. Talking about big stuff before bed leaves our minds open about it in our head and we don’t sleep very well….. and we used to get very emotional”.