I am having an affair…….

There isn’t a week that goes by that someone doesn’t spill their guts and tell me that they had an affair, are wanting to have an affair or think their partner is having an affair.

So when I am talking about affairs, I am talking about physical affairs and emotional affairs. The act of betraying your partner and engaging in an intimate relationship with someone else that is NOT your partner.

Ultimately affairs are a betrayal of trust. It is about secrets, lies and sharing yourself with someone outside the relationship. And although the majority of the population at any given time would probably say affairs are ‘wrong’, unfortunately it is more common than you think. Specific statistics and literature often vary- depending on who you ask- however what is agreed is that affairs are common and are increasing!

A wise colleague once said to me, “affairs are symptoms of problems that already exist”. And he was right. I use that sentence a lot with the people I work with and I ask people to repeat that sentence slowly until it makes sense. If you read and process this statement, it isn’t about blaming the person who chose the affair. It is about looking at the relationship and seeing where the problems exist. Is the problem that one person is never happy or content? Is it that one person is always looking outside the relationship for happiness? Is it that just one person is selfish and likes the attention of others? What is really going on in the relationship?

(I use this sentiment when I talk to people about the misuse of drugs or someone who has a gambling addiction – these behaviours are also symptoms of problems that already exist.)

I have spoken to people who have disclosed multiple affairs, desires to continue affairs, conversations about being on the cusp of an affair, one night stands and affairs that have led to secret families and children.  I have spoken to people who fall apart after a moment of weakness and try and live with their secret and I have spoken to men and women who live to continue to have multiple affairs at any opportunity and show no remorse or moment of reflecting on the consequences of their behaviour.

As a therapist I always found it interesting that the word ‘affair’ is used as a blanket statement. To me, there is a huge difference between a one- night stand (and a person who admits the incident and says sorry) compared to someone who continues an affair for months or years at a time (and wants to continue to do so). In the same notion I feel the word ‘drug user’ is also used as a blanket statement.  Again there is a huge difference in someone that smokes marijuana once a year at Christmas parties compared to someone who uses ICE or crack cocaine on a daily basis- yet the wording is the same???

When I work with people where an affair is present in their relationship, there is a big difference in working with people who have made a mistake, compared to people who keep making mistakes and having regular affairs.

With all these stories, one common theme always seems to emerge-  People either start thinking or engaging in affairs when their needs are not being met.  For many reasons, somewhere along the line people feel disconnected within their relationship. They talk about not feeling loved, not feeling listened to or feeling as though the spark has gone (I am not condoning affairs in anyway, I am simply sharing what I have learnt along the way).

People are naturally drawn to people that make them smile, make them laugh, listen to them and make them feel good about themselves. So when cracks emerge in relationships, affairs begin when other people start filling voids that you feel you aren’t getting at home and before you know it ……………….the affair is born.

The majority of people that I have worked with tell me that affairs are a deal breaker for them. One step over the moral compass line and they are gone. But I have also worked with couples who want to talk about their infidelities and want to stay together to work on their relationship.

Talking to a professional and getting to the real issue of why someone looked outside the relationship is the key to processing what happened, why it happened and what next. The absolute raw, devastating emotions of a partner who hears that their partner has been having an emotional or physical affair is gut wrenching. Some people can heal and become stronger, some people can’t get past the hurt and betrayal and some people stay angry and helpless.

There is no right or wrong answer in how a person deals with infidelity but with the right help and support you can make the informed decisions that is right for you.

Most people are searching for happiness outside of themselves. That’s a fundamental mistake. Happiness is something that you are, and it comes from the way you think