Are Relationships Really that Hard? Being in love and the epic journey to reach the yellow brick road of happiness.

According to jen………..

The short answer to this complex phenomenon is YES!!!!! And before you run for the hills or tick off the list in the brain that makes you decide to pack it in and quit your relationship, I just want to take up a few more minutes of your time and hopefully help you think differently about your relationship – like through a different lens.  Give me a minute and if it doesn’t spark anything, by all means continue on the path you are on.

So you meet, fall in love, sparks fly, your partner is interesting, fun, exciting, the sex is great (awesome really) and then something happens……….. yes people, it is called REALITY. Reality steps in and suddenly your partner comes with baggage, history, moods, idiosyncrasies’ you can’t stand, you start talking about budgets, bills, the kids, house work, grocery shopping and changing light bulbs!!  Honeymoon is over and the relationship becomes hard……..

It doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom though. It just means you have to work a little harder and be open to change and different life stages.

After years of couple’s therapy, I can’t remember how many times I heard the comments “she changed” or “it just isn’t the same as it was”. Well I hate to break it to ya, but people change. Change is normal. Change should happen. It is okay to grow with people changing and it can be done if you willing to jump on the train of change too. I once had a middle aged man say to me, “she just isn’t the same as when we met”. When I asked, “How old were you when you met?” He replied, “We were both 18 and it was fun and she was fun”. If only people could read my mind cause this particular man was balding, over weight and looked about 10 years older that his age and what I wanted to say was, ‘well pal, I don’t think you are the same as when you guys met at 18 either!!!’.

But in my true diplomatic professional fashion I had to throw my unprofessional thoughts aside and respond with something that would challenge his thought processes.  Lots happen to adults between the ages of 18 years to 40 years – move in together, babies, pets, rent, mortgage, jobs, pregnancy, kids, superannuation, ailments and the list goes on.  So NO, your partner shouldn’t be the same person they were when you were 18. People grow, they change, they think differently, they love differently and their needs are different.

Staying with one person and keeping the sparks alive is hard work. You need to work on it and be open to mistakes, challenges and communication. There is an awesome couples’ therapy booked called “5 Love Languages – by Gary Chapman” (awesome easy read if you are ever interested) and it looks at relationship needs and what your love language is. It may sound all airy fairy, but it makes sense and it is a useful tool to look at what your own needs are (love language) and what your partner’s needs are (partners love language). When you can truly say what you need and what fills your love cup (think of it like a measuring cup and what your partner would need to do or say in order for your cup to fill up) then you are one step closer to communicating and understanding yourself and your partner’s wants and needs.

Life is full of stages and it is normal that sometimes you might feel that your partner is on another path to you. It is common to feel disconnected and unloved at times, but it doesn’t have to always be that way.  Rather than complain and sit in the corner in defeat, I challenge you to fight for your partner.

Some tips to consider:

• Don’t let too much time pass before you try to salvage your relationship. Whilst time can sometimes heal, time can sometimes create a further wedge that is harder to repair.
• Try and remember or write down what the qualities were in your partner that attracted you to them in the first place.
• Look at yourself and see if there are things you could do or say that might change the mood in your relationship. One example could be to stop bringing up issues from the past in a conversation, stop swearing at each other when you are arguing, be the one to stop yelling.
• What would you see if you were to record yourself talking or arguing to your partner? If you had a video camera and you played back the last week in your house, what would it look like? What would your non-verbals say? How many times did you put your partner down or call them something nasty?
• Write a list of three things you wish your partner would change and then write a list of the things you think your partner would say they would want you to change. Compare lists with your partner and talk about them – preferably when you are having a moment of not hating each other so you can communicate more effectively.
• Seeking help from a therapist is not a negative or weak thing to do…. And please dear god don’t think of therapy as a last resort. Therapy is a tool used to assist people to communicate more effectively and have someone objective and not emotionally invested assist your relationship (and in case you were wondering, despite being a therapist my husband and I have been to a therapist ourselves several times in an order to help our relationship navigate the yellow brick road).
• Be brave enough to say what you need and listen to what your partner needs.

Remember people, I don’t profess to have all the answers and I am not taking into account variables that may be impacting adversely on your relationship.  Just something to think about and challenge your current thought patterns…………

Affirmation – When you face difficult times, know that challenges are not sent to destroy you. They’re sent to promote, increase and strengthen you.